I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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