I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
