dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
