A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
