I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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