he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
