I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
