So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
