When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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