I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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