woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you had me at cake vodka
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
