Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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