Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
