Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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