Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
