god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
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Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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