Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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