So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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