I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You're like the curious george of whores
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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