have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
