Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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