How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
