I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
