the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
