ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
