Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
