I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
