I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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