I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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