she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
