tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
