My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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