I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
