why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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