At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
