Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him