When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
