dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
babies were throwing up all over the place
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
