I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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