We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
