i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so let's talk penis.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
