After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
God I need to hump something, right now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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