I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
