I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
