It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
