I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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