My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
