sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
MIDGETS
????
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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