Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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