What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
