I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
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He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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