3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
