I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
