I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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