A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
