On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
