I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
