I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
