yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
