Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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