That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
