I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
