If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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